I’m not sure what today’s title should be, or if I even want to or should do it. I’m complaining about being tired, and not having enough time in the day, yet I wasted an hour and a half playing Monopoly. There’s no other way to say it; I’m escaping reality. Running from my problems and obligations.
My new boss gave me a simple task tonight. Memorize the basic pitch everyone has to learn. Watching her and others do the pitch at the doors and at passerby’s; it’s good. Reading the pitch; cringy. I gues practice and theory are different and what looks awful on paper but generates results in person should be ran with. Its just all the micro-agreements which are woven into the pitch.
“You want to help kids right? You agree its not fair they have a disability and can’t get access to education? You agree children deserve education?”
Maybe its my pride. Its caused me a lot of giref these past few months.
How Much Has Pride Screwed Me Over?
Pride made me charge head first into Dunedin and Otageo. I should have established contact with Chris first. I should have worked a job, any job to get a car and be on my feet. The temp job in Dunedin paid well and I got one with the crew well. My friends in Dunedin were lovely.
Instead I thought I was wasting time; betraying my purpose and staying in a comfort zone. So I charged to Christchurch with no plan other than to try again. Who cared about the details, I had my mind, body, and fascinating stories.
Was I comfortable or lazy by sticking with Aurora. Choose my own hours; easy quick door pitches and almost everything I wanted from New Zealand with post COVID expecations on a platter and organized.
The Worst Part About Staying There
Well there’s several. I’m relying on my parents financial support again. 25, and years of travel. They’ve helped me every step of the way and I keep finding ways to ask for just a bit more.
I bitched about Primus, and selling Home Phones while living in there basement after returning to Canada from Indoneasia. Atleast in their basement I accumulated money. In their basement I occasionally went out with friends, and met people. All the while I had a dream to hold on to.
In Aurora I had two months of marketing; living in the red, falling further each week. I lived on the outskirts of town because I thought I’d be leaving soon to travel. Instead I wound up isolated and broke. And that isolation broke me
Try Again Right
Whats the use? Why bother? I’ve lost sight of my dream. I’m broke and lonely and utterly defeated on the inside. it’s not because of one or two things, its a loss on all fronts. And that’s why it hurts so bad. How do you fix something when everythings broken.
Maybe I should just go to a farm. Work with my hands and let the hippies heal my soul once more. Heal it, as they always do. Lose myself to adventure, and leave New Zealand able to sell other’s the dream of Kiwi Paradise.
And yet I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m unsure what it is, but I’m holding out. Shooting in the dark, but still shooting.
One of the biggest things that’s hurting me, is my inability to focus. When I came to New Zealand, I had a dream, and a crazy Tyler Chase plan to get there. I had a contact, but I wasn’t dependent on him. When it didn’t work out the first time. I changed it. to explore a different avenue. Then I left Dunedin and things fell apart.
Looking Back On Dunedin
When I left Dunedin, i told myself that would be the blip in my New Zealand story. The six weeks where things didn’t work, but I refound self-discipline and got myself on track. I had a nice room to refocus and recharge and my friends urged me North. Now it seems like a sweet memory. At least I wasn’t swallowed by this melancholy.
I had an inflated, but healthy ego that I was a good salesman, great story teller, and fun adventure buddy. Someone who worked hard and played hard. Now I just feel broken.
How could I have been so stupid to stick it out with Auroa for so long when I knew they were taking advantage of me. Why did I stay in New Brighton. Why didn’t I go tree-planting before lockdown…
In Dunedin, I truely thought 2020 was going to be another year of victory. I wasn’t thriving in Dunedin, but I was getting amped up! Even over lockdown I had such high hopes… But it’s not Aurora’s fault, nor my old flat. I can’t even blame COVID.
It’s on me. And its on me to get out of this rut.
There’s No Where To Go
If I left New Zealand now, where would I go? What would I do, and what would I tell myself? X,Y,Z happened, and things didn’t work out so you gave up. You felt lonely longer than you’re used to feeling lonely. You were hungry again, and no one was patting you on the back?
It’s late, and I need to practice my pitch. I shouldn’t have wasted so much time. One thing that really bums me out is thinking about how much time has been wasted. 6 months have already gone by. Its already been a whole year since I worked for Whanua Reforestation. And despite this sadness and frustration to wasted time, I spent an hour and a half playing Monopoly, when I knew I had shit to do and somewhere to be in the early morning.
I’m just so frustrated with myself. My internal dialouge is toxic as hell, but I won’t listen to anything else.
So I fall back to auto-pilot, and use muscle memory to grind through the sad parts. I guess I’ll be tired tomorrow. But I’ll be at work hitting it hard again.